Meet me on the equinox...

I have no clue what's wrong with me.
I'm depressed.
I'm lonely.
I'm suicidal. Very suicidal. I will never admit that IRL though.
I wish someone could give me a pill to fix it.
I don't eat. When I do, I purge.
I'm scared to death of being close to anyone.
I want to cut and burn, cut and burn, cut my face, burn the cuts. God help me.
Someone tell me what's wrong.

Some Poetry.

So... In my Creative Writing class, I've written 5 poems so far... 3 not so serious, and 2 serious. So I'ma post them.

No Sound But The Wind
Thanksgiving used to be fun
until dad died.
Until you remarried and ran away,
hoping to hide from the hollow demons of your past
with us.

Now you're making a new day
selective and self gratifying
only inviting the people who will praise your pretty little life.

Thanksgiving isn't so fun anymore
is it?
Laden with the pining, pain, and wishes,
left with only the soft sigh of suicide.


I Am
The bouncy bubblegum pop music of the 90s.
An electric purple ink pen, bursting with brightness.
Open arms,
spilling blood red lines of honesty onto open books of life.
A sea of bitter happiness, roaring with darkness one moment,
calming to warm and inviting the next.

Heaps
Cans and bottles, cups and jars.
liquid energy for the day.
Mt. Dew, and Amps, Starbuck, and Poptarts.
The only way we get through.
Those people who only drink water?
They must actually sleep at night.
Welcome to college.

Meaning?
Notes for our classes thrown away
Our soda was the only thing we paid attention to, anyway.
A flier for a meeting? like we care.
All our money goes to paper, Starbucks, and soda
we throw them away like it is nothing.
Is this what college means to us?

Stare
Productivity gone way down,
Staring at a pile of trash.
Starbucks, Snapple, Mt. Dew too,
the rulers of my energy.
I need to give in again.

.

Is it sad that my real life friends are mostly all backstabbing fucks?
I'm done.

"In the pain, there is healing..."

so. You know what gets me? Fucking people being fucking unfair to my family. Look, you can treat me like shit. I can handle it, but be nice to my little bro.
Treat him like he deserves. I love him, and he's really a cool boy once you get past his semi-wierdness. He's funny and sweet, and he treats you nicely. Why can't you do the same?
Invite him to the damn homecoming dance. He's new to your school, in case you forgot, dear stepsiblings. He didn't want to move. He didn't have a fucking choice. I miss him and would do anything in the world to be able to take him to a function around here. I fully plan on taking him to the homecoming game at college. Not the dances, cause they involve too much alcohol. I'm not ashamed of him and it makes me fucking sick to think that you may be. He's not like you. I get it. I'm not like you. We're misfits in your perfect little family. Look, I don't know why my mom had to marry your dad, but it happened. I couldn't stop it. You couldn't stop it. We all hate it, but for the sake of my brother... Try to make it easier.
I know him. He's a lot like me. I know me. What I do.. How I cope... It's not pretty. at all. I don't want him to do the same thing. I took such measures while we were still together to make sure I didn't expose him to it. Make sure he knew that it's not fun, that it's not healthy, that it's not the way.
I see warning signs. I know you don't. I know you wouldn't care even if you did. Please. Make his life easier before it comes to this. Please... I'm begging you. Let him see he has a reason to love life and live it normally.
Much thanks.
The stepsister everyone hates.

Anger. Anger. Anger.

I am so angry! First off, I have a ton of stuff to do this week, I've done tons of work and it feels like I'm still getting nowhere.
Secondly, I got my blog assignment back from my professor. So, I don't keep this blog for her, or this class. This blog was started in MAYYYYY. THIS IS SEPTEMBER. So, she counts off five points because I put "cause" instead of "because" like I normally do.
THIS IS NOT A CLASS BLOG. I KEEP IT BECAUSE I WANT TO. NOT SO YOU CAN GRADE MY GRAMMAR. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
grammar.fucking.nazi.
I can't even go on with my anger. I'll have to come back and vent again at a later time.
Peace.

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For...

So... I have no motivation to do work whatsoever, so I'm taking the night to blog and play online and watch House. Haha.
So... I looked at somethinggreek.com today... so sue me. I want letters. I want to be a part of NZX. I hope I get in. I think I will, but I don't want to get my hopes up. but I make trial letters. I know that's getting my hopes up.
Well, shit.

What Exactly Do I Want?

So... I've been rather unhappy lately. I feel like a lot's missing in my college life.
I know part of it is due to losing DZ. I don't care what you say, if you are kicked out of an organization, whether you truly truly loved it or not... It hurts. Believe me. I'm there. I feel this dull ache in my chest whenever I see someone wearing my beloved letters. I didn't even love DZ, really. They stressed me out, made me uncomfortable a lot. But I truly did love some of the girls, they were my sisters... Now, we don't speak.
I miss being a part of something. Don't start with the "you're the secretary of BCM. You ARE a part of something." I don't have friends who feel like family. Nothing bonds us. I'm the outcast. Can't anyone see that?
So what do I want?
Simple. I want friends who will love me regardless of GPA, social standing, etc. I'm hoping Nu Zeta Chi works out and I will find that.