I'm really sick of not knowing who my real friends are.
I know, this is probably a tired topic... same shit, different day.
But it's true.
I'm sick of thinking people in BCM love me, only to find they have fucking "secret meetings" and talk about how I don't do shit, and I'm a horrible leader.
It hurts.
It hurts a lot.
It hurts beyond the capacity my words have, in a capacity only blood can speak to.
The blood looked pretty... freeing, as if their words had no power over who I was.
When I'm not bleeding, though, they do. They govern me.
I hurt so badly, cause I try.
I cannot move past my past and be fully functional in 2 years though.
I'm working, and I'll continue working until I'm there. It may be years though...
Why can't people see this?
All I want is for someone to tell me I'm okay the way I am. They love me.
Love is so hard to obtain.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Meet me on the equinox...
I have no clue what's wrong with me.
I'm depressed.
I'm lonely.
I'm suicidal. Very suicidal. I will never admit that IRL though.
I wish someone could give me a pill to fix it.
I don't eat. When I do, I purge.
I'm scared to death of being close to anyone.
I want to cut and burn, cut and burn, cut my face, burn the cuts. God help me.
Someone tell me what's wrong.
I'm depressed.
I'm lonely.
I'm suicidal. Very suicidal. I will never admit that IRL though.
I wish someone could give me a pill to fix it.
I don't eat. When I do, I purge.
I'm scared to death of being close to anyone.
I want to cut and burn, cut and burn, cut my face, burn the cuts. God help me.
Someone tell me what's wrong.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Some Poetry.
So... In my Creative Writing class, I've written 5 poems so far... 3 not so serious, and 2 serious. So I'ma post them.
No Sound But The Wind
Thanksgiving used to be fun
until dad died.
Until you remarried and ran away,
hoping to hide from the hollow demons of your past
with us.
Now you're making a new day
selective and self gratifying
only inviting the people who will praise your pretty little life.
Thanksgiving isn't so fun anymore
is it?
Laden with the pining, pain, and wishes,
left with only the soft sigh of suicide.
I Am
The bouncy bubblegum pop music of the 90s.
An electric purple ink pen, bursting with brightness.
Open arms,
spilling blood red lines of honesty onto open books of life.
A sea of bitter happiness, roaring with darkness one moment,
calming to warm and inviting the next.
Heaps
Cans and bottles, cups and jars.
liquid energy for the day.
Mt. Dew, and Amps, Starbuck, and Poptarts.
The only way we get through.
Those people who only drink water?
They must actually sleep at night.
Welcome to college.
Meaning?
Notes for our classes thrown away
Our soda was the only thing we paid attention to, anyway.
A flier for a meeting? like we care.
All our money goes to paper, Starbucks, and soda
we throw them away like it is nothing.
Is this what college means to us?
Stare
Productivity gone way down,
Staring at a pile of trash.
Starbucks, Snapple, Mt. Dew too,
the rulers of my energy.
I need to give in again.
No Sound But The Wind
Thanksgiving used to be fun
until dad died.
Until you remarried and ran away,
hoping to hide from the hollow demons of your past
with us.
Now you're making a new day
selective and self gratifying
only inviting the people who will praise your pretty little life.
Thanksgiving isn't so fun anymore
is it?
Laden with the pining, pain, and wishes,
left with only the soft sigh of suicide.
I Am
The bouncy bubblegum pop music of the 90s.
An electric purple ink pen, bursting with brightness.
Open arms,
spilling blood red lines of honesty onto open books of life.
A sea of bitter happiness, roaring with darkness one moment,
calming to warm and inviting the next.
Heaps
Cans and bottles, cups and jars.
liquid energy for the day.
Mt. Dew, and Amps, Starbuck, and Poptarts.
The only way we get through.
Those people who only drink water?
They must actually sleep at night.
Welcome to college.
Meaning?
Notes for our classes thrown away
Our soda was the only thing we paid attention to, anyway.
A flier for a meeting? like we care.
All our money goes to paper, Starbucks, and soda
we throw them away like it is nothing.
Is this what college means to us?
Stare
Productivity gone way down,
Staring at a pile of trash.
Starbucks, Snapple, Mt. Dew too,
the rulers of my energy.
I need to give in again.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
"In the pain, there is healing..."
so. You know what gets me? Fucking people being fucking unfair to my family. Look, you can treat me like shit. I can handle it, but be nice to my little bro.
Treat him like he deserves. I love him, and he's really a cool boy once you get past his semi-wierdness. He's funny and sweet, and he treats you nicely. Why can't you do the same?
Invite him to the damn homecoming dance. He's new to your school, in case you forgot, dear stepsiblings. He didn't want to move. He didn't have a fucking choice. I miss him and would do anything in the world to be able to take him to a function around here. I fully plan on taking him to the homecoming game at college. Not the dances, cause they involve too much alcohol. I'm not ashamed of him and it makes me fucking sick to think that you may be. He's not like you. I get it. I'm not like you. We're misfits in your perfect little family. Look, I don't know why my mom had to marry your dad, but it happened. I couldn't stop it. You couldn't stop it. We all hate it, but for the sake of my brother... Try to make it easier.
I know him. He's a lot like me. I know me. What I do.. How I cope... It's not pretty. at all. I don't want him to do the same thing. I took such measures while we were still together to make sure I didn't expose him to it. Make sure he knew that it's not fun, that it's not healthy, that it's not the way.
I see warning signs. I know you don't. I know you wouldn't care even if you did. Please. Make his life easier before it comes to this. Please... I'm begging you. Let him see he has a reason to love life and live it normally.
Much thanks.
The stepsister everyone hates.
Treat him like he deserves. I love him, and he's really a cool boy once you get past his semi-wierdness. He's funny and sweet, and he treats you nicely. Why can't you do the same?
Invite him to the damn homecoming dance. He's new to your school, in case you forgot, dear stepsiblings. He didn't want to move. He didn't have a fucking choice. I miss him and would do anything in the world to be able to take him to a function around here. I fully plan on taking him to the homecoming game at college. Not the dances, cause they involve too much alcohol. I'm not ashamed of him and it makes me fucking sick to think that you may be. He's not like you. I get it. I'm not like you. We're misfits in your perfect little family. Look, I don't know why my mom had to marry your dad, but it happened. I couldn't stop it. You couldn't stop it. We all hate it, but for the sake of my brother... Try to make it easier.
I know him. He's a lot like me. I know me. What I do.. How I cope... It's not pretty. at all. I don't want him to do the same thing. I took such measures while we were still together to make sure I didn't expose him to it. Make sure he knew that it's not fun, that it's not healthy, that it's not the way.
I see warning signs. I know you don't. I know you wouldn't care even if you did. Please. Make his life easier before it comes to this. Please... I'm begging you. Let him see he has a reason to love life and live it normally.
Much thanks.
The stepsister everyone hates.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Anger. Anger. Anger.
I am so angry! First off, I have a ton of stuff to do this week, I've done tons of work and it feels like I'm still getting nowhere.
Secondly, I got my blog assignment back from my professor. So, I don't keep this blog for her, or this class. This blog was started in MAYYYYY. THIS IS SEPTEMBER. So, she counts off five points because I put "cause" instead of "because" like I normally do.
THIS IS NOT A CLASS BLOG. I KEEP IT BECAUSE I WANT TO. NOT SO YOU CAN GRADE MY GRAMMAR. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
grammar.fucking.nazi.
I can't even go on with my anger. I'll have to come back and vent again at a later time.
Peace.
Secondly, I got my blog assignment back from my professor. So, I don't keep this blog for her, or this class. This blog was started in MAYYYYY. THIS IS SEPTEMBER. So, she counts off five points because I put "cause" instead of "because" like I normally do.
THIS IS NOT A CLASS BLOG. I KEEP IT BECAUSE I WANT TO. NOT SO YOU CAN GRADE MY GRAMMAR. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
grammar.fucking.nazi.
I can't even go on with my anger. I'll have to come back and vent again at a later time.
Peace.
Monday, September 20, 2010
I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For...
So... I have no motivation to do work whatsoever, so I'm taking the night to blog and play online and watch House. Haha.
So... I looked at somethinggreek.com today... so sue me. I want letters. I want to be a part of NZX. I hope I get in. I think I will, but I don't want to get my hopes up. but I make trial letters. I know that's getting my hopes up.
Well, shit.
So... I looked at somethinggreek.com today... so sue me. I want letters. I want to be a part of NZX. I hope I get in. I think I will, but I don't want to get my hopes up. but I make trial letters. I know that's getting my hopes up.
Well, shit.
Friday, September 17, 2010
What Exactly Do I Want?
So... I've been rather unhappy lately. I feel like a lot's missing in my college life.
I know part of it is due to losing DZ. I don't care what you say, if you are kicked out of an organization, whether you truly truly loved it or not... It hurts. Believe me. I'm there. I feel this dull ache in my chest whenever I see someone wearing my beloved letters. I didn't even love DZ, really. They stressed me out, made me uncomfortable a lot. But I truly did love some of the girls, they were my sisters... Now, we don't speak.
I miss being a part of something. Don't start with the "you're the secretary of BCM. You ARE a part of something." I don't have friends who feel like family. Nothing bonds us. I'm the outcast. Can't anyone see that?
So what do I want?
Simple. I want friends who will love me regardless of GPA, social standing, etc. I'm hoping Nu Zeta Chi works out and I will find that.
I know part of it is due to losing DZ. I don't care what you say, if you are kicked out of an organization, whether you truly truly loved it or not... It hurts. Believe me. I'm there. I feel this dull ache in my chest whenever I see someone wearing my beloved letters. I didn't even love DZ, really. They stressed me out, made me uncomfortable a lot. But I truly did love some of the girls, they were my sisters... Now, we don't speak.
I miss being a part of something. Don't start with the "you're the secretary of BCM. You ARE a part of something." I don't have friends who feel like family. Nothing bonds us. I'm the outcast. Can't anyone see that?
So what do I want?
Simple. I want friends who will love me regardless of GPA, social standing, etc. I'm hoping Nu Zeta Chi works out and I will find that.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Happy (Technically Day After) Suicide Prevention Day!
Sooo... yeah, you heard me right. Today (technically yesterday now, but still today to me) was/is National Suicide Prevention Day.
I'm proud of myself today. I'm proud I'm still living. I'm proud that my first suicide attempt, at age 13... and the 8 attempts following didn't work. I'm proud I was found, broken, on the bathroom floor, bleeding... but still alive. Still saveable. I'm proud that at 18, I had my (hopefully) final attempt. I'm proud it failed. I'm proud I went through treatment. I'm proud that my friends cared enough to pull me out of that dorm room, where memories of sexual abuse haunted me, and took me to a mental health crisis unit. I was so bad. I cut, I burned, I binged and purged, I wanted to die. Look... Look at me now.... 2 years later, I'm still living, still breathing. It's a struggle. Over the summer, my mom left me. I cried, I cut, I burned, I binged and purged, I starved myself. It was like trying to committ slow suicide. But... I'm still here.
Today was hard. I woke up knowing I had done so much publicity and praying over Suicide Prevention Week. Knowing that everyone I knew... they all knew where I stood. We have to prevent the best we can. I woke up not wanting to live. The depression, it still hits hard. I still have my days when all I can do is get out of bed and move through the motions. I try to really live my life. I really do, but some days are horrible, and moving through the motions become better than dying.
Today... today death was the answer to me. But... look at me... I'm still living.
For those of you struggling, comment me. I'll talk, we'll get through this together. I love you all, and as TWLOHA says "You are not alone. This is not the end of your story."
I think it's time for me to sleep now. Peace out, loves!
I'm proud of myself today. I'm proud I'm still living. I'm proud that my first suicide attempt, at age 13... and the 8 attempts following didn't work. I'm proud I was found, broken, on the bathroom floor, bleeding... but still alive. Still saveable. I'm proud that at 18, I had my (hopefully) final attempt. I'm proud it failed. I'm proud I went through treatment. I'm proud that my friends cared enough to pull me out of that dorm room, where memories of sexual abuse haunted me, and took me to a mental health crisis unit. I was so bad. I cut, I burned, I binged and purged, I wanted to die. Look... Look at me now.... 2 years later, I'm still living, still breathing. It's a struggle. Over the summer, my mom left me. I cried, I cut, I burned, I binged and purged, I starved myself. It was like trying to committ slow suicide. But... I'm still here.
Today was hard. I woke up knowing I had done so much publicity and praying over Suicide Prevention Week. Knowing that everyone I knew... they all knew where I stood. We have to prevent the best we can. I woke up not wanting to live. The depression, it still hits hard. I still have my days when all I can do is get out of bed and move through the motions. I try to really live my life. I really do, but some days are horrible, and moving through the motions become better than dying.
Today... today death was the answer to me. But... look at me... I'm still living.
For those of you struggling, comment me. I'll talk, we'll get through this together. I love you all, and as TWLOHA says "You are not alone. This is not the end of your story."
I think it's time for me to sleep now. Peace out, loves!
Saturday, September 4, 2010
The First Rambling of a Crazed English Major
So... I haven't posted since I gave up on trying to keep up with my thoughts on The Purpose Driven Life... lovely.
So, what's been going on with me? Well, school's back in session, which means I'm reading, writing, analyzing, reporting, repeat... Yeah, I have no life. I'm taking time out of my homework in order to do this blog in which I will probably complain about my life, my work, and my lack of money... but on a good note, I have a job now! yay!
Okay, so first order of complaining. I'm taking a Witchcraft in Literature minicourse this semester. It runs for five weeks and has four required books. So, the same professor who teaches this also teaches my British Literature survey I'm taking. So, he walks in yesterday and announces to my survey class that he is late cause he was adding another book to this mini, and lost track of time! GAH! So... now, I have to buy another $12 book! It's a big ordeal to someone who has $30 in her bank account and a $50 credit card bill still to pay.
Second order of complaining, while searching for the best deal on before mentioned book, I decided to look up the banned book list. So, Catcher in the Rye is on there, yes? I've never read that book, so I decided I wanted it, and I also wanted to get another copy of To Kill a Mockingbird to replace mine that was destroyed in the Great Water Tank leak of '09. In addition to this, I have decided wayyy before that I want the book One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. So, are we seeing my problem? Sooo many books, Soooo little money! I suppose these will all go on my Christmas list. Then I'll get them and be a happy little English Major.
Anywhoo, my Creative Writing assignment is calling my name. I'm Out Peeps.
Peace, love, and Happy Reading!
So, what's been going on with me? Well, school's back in session, which means I'm reading, writing, analyzing, reporting, repeat... Yeah, I have no life. I'm taking time out of my homework in order to do this blog in which I will probably complain about my life, my work, and my lack of money... but on a good note, I have a job now! yay!
Okay, so first order of complaining. I'm taking a Witchcraft in Literature minicourse this semester. It runs for five weeks and has four required books. So, the same professor who teaches this also teaches my British Literature survey I'm taking. So, he walks in yesterday and announces to my survey class that he is late cause he was adding another book to this mini, and lost track of time! GAH! So... now, I have to buy another $12 book! It's a big ordeal to someone who has $30 in her bank account and a $50 credit card bill still to pay.
Second order of complaining, while searching for the best deal on before mentioned book, I decided to look up the banned book list. So, Catcher in the Rye is on there, yes? I've never read that book, so I decided I wanted it, and I also wanted to get another copy of To Kill a Mockingbird to replace mine that was destroyed in the Great Water Tank leak of '09. In addition to this, I have decided wayyy before that I want the book One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. So, are we seeing my problem? Sooo many books, Soooo little money! I suppose these will all go on my Christmas list. Then I'll get them and be a happy little English Major.
Anywhoo, my Creative Writing assignment is calling my name. I'm Out Peeps.
Peace, love, and Happy Reading!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
The Purpose Driven Life... day 2.
As I said earlier, I had to type out last night's reflections this morning.
Anyway, today's chapter was titled "You Are Not an Accident" I knew from reading the chapter title that this would hit me hard. I have a tendency to feel as though my life is purely accidental and I have no real purpose. This chapter, however, tells me different.
Not gonna lie here, I do have a hard time believing that God knows what's up and definitely has a purpose for me. This is where my spiritual journey tends to come to a standstill. Sure, I believe in God and I love Him, but how can He make my life so confusing and so much like a roller coaster, and still definitely know my purpose? It seems impossible. I'm hoping that this book will help change my view on that.
Anyway, today's question to consider is very relevant to me so I'm gonna post it here and answer it!
"I know that God uniquely created me. What areas of my personality, background, and physical appearance am I struggling to accept?"
So starting with personality:
1. I'm very antisocial a lot of times.
2. Depression. enough said.
3. Years of acting have made me a good liar. I can lie with the best, and I tend to do that to avoid... whatever I want to avoid.
4. I'm mean.
Now background:
1. Dad's death, and the years with mom that followed.
2. My personal struggles that my close friends know (that may end up on here at a later date)
3. Mom remarrying and relocating to Roanoke.
Physical appearance:
1. Height
2. Weight
3. Hair color... too plain, I'd like to be a natural redhead.
4. I basically want the model look, and I don't have it.
5. Ohh, this is a big one. Hair texture and stuff. I don't see why I have to have a frizzy monster on my head.
Anyway, today's chapter was titled "You Are Not an Accident" I knew from reading the chapter title that this would hit me hard. I have a tendency to feel as though my life is purely accidental and I have no real purpose. This chapter, however, tells me different.
Not gonna lie here, I do have a hard time believing that God knows what's up and definitely has a purpose for me. This is where my spiritual journey tends to come to a standstill. Sure, I believe in God and I love Him, but how can He make my life so confusing and so much like a roller coaster, and still definitely know my purpose? It seems impossible. I'm hoping that this book will help change my view on that.
Anyway, today's question to consider is very relevant to me so I'm gonna post it here and answer it!
"I know that God uniquely created me. What areas of my personality, background, and physical appearance am I struggling to accept?"
So starting with personality:
1. I'm very antisocial a lot of times.
2. Depression. enough said.
3. Years of acting have made me a good liar. I can lie with the best, and I tend to do that to avoid... whatever I want to avoid.
4. I'm mean.
Now background:
1. Dad's death, and the years with mom that followed.
2. My personal struggles that my close friends know (that may end up on here at a later date)
3. Mom remarrying and relocating to Roanoke.
Physical appearance:
1. Height
2. Weight
3. Hair color... too plain, I'd like to be a natural redhead.
4. I basically want the model look, and I don't have it.
5. Ohh, this is a big one. Hair texture and stuff. I don't see why I have to have a frizzy monster on my head.
The Purpose Driven Life... day 1
So I completed Day 1 last night, I just didn't bring my laptop with me, so I have to type out the blog today. Fun stuff =)
So yesterday's reading was all about how this life is not about me. God wasn't created for me... like I tend to think he was. I was created for Him. Heavy stuff, eh? However, this was something I really needed to get through my head. I don't just decide my life plan and tell God to make it happen how I want it to. God decided a plan and created me especially for it. Now, what this plan is, I'm not entirely sure. I'm hoping to find this out sometime while going through this 40 day journey.
Wish me luck! =)
So yesterday's reading was all about how this life is not about me. God wasn't created for me... like I tend to think he was. I was created for Him. Heavy stuff, eh? However, this was something I really needed to get through my head. I don't just decide my life plan and tell God to make it happen how I want it to. God decided a plan and created me especially for it. Now, what this plan is, I'm not entirely sure. I'm hoping to find this out sometime while going through this 40 day journey.
Wish me luck! =)
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